Riffing on an MLK quote.

Have we not come to such an impasse in the modern world that we must love our enemies - or else? The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

How is it that Martin Luther King, Jr. was so correct and so wrong at the same time?  The chain reaction of evil hate begetting hate and wars producing more wars did not plunge us into the abyss.  At least not then.  Not in the 1960s.

It was not our stopping to love our neighbors, that created social change.  Instead, in a very real sense, it was Dr. King's blood tht brought about the legal changes in the United States necessary for us to build a society so much more premised in equality than the one that he left behind.  Our nation was poised on the dark abysss of annihilation after his assassination and I'm afraid it was fear that made us take the collective step back represented in integration and the civil rights legislaton of the 1960s.

And we never learned to love our enemies in the Soviet Union.  Instead we learned to outspend them.  We pressed them financially on every front through proxy wars and an unwinnable arms race until the cracks in their horribly flawed economic model sprung wide open spilling their society and driving the "Union" apart.  Again it was fear of the abyss that drove the solution that ended the Cold War with its unending proxy wars.

Even so, aren't we at that impasse again?  Have we ever left it?  Perhaps resolving our conflicts through fear means that we have never really solved them at all.  And now, living in this part of the world, in this nation in particular, where skating to the edge of the abyss holding hatred so close to your heart seem to be the national sport, Dr. King's solution seems to be the only solution.  But how do we get to that solution?

As Americans, we can't point to the times when love motivated our social change.  Our changes were born out of violence, out of tragedy, out of necessity.  Must it be a lesson of "do as we say, not as we do?"

Dr. King's words were inspired by his understanding of the teachings of the Christian prophet.  Mohammed's teachings are not so different that Iraqis, Shi'a and Sunni, Arab and Kurd, shouldn't be able to see the wisdom of reconciliation through love and the damage that we do to ourselves and each other through the chain reaction of evil.

But perhaps, YDS brings a westerner's worry to the process here.  Since before both Jesus and Mohammed, Arabs were one moment at each other's throat in conflict and the next clasping each other to their breasts in friendship.  Perhaps this formative Iraqi state is no different.  Perhaps the love is not so far from here after all.

Dr. King would love that to be true.

How I did.

Well, Dear Reader, I am long since returned from R&R and thought I'd provide you an update on how I did running down the things that I miss from the U.S. while I was home.  So here they are in order:

• A well poured pint of Guiness - I had a decent (but not great) pint at Champp's Sports Bar in Pentagon City.  What it may have lacked in quality, I absolutely made up for in quantity.  Thanks to all of YDS's friends who met for many pints and sports bar type food.  Well enjoyed.
• Sushi - YDS's brother in law took him to an excellent sushi bar in Virginia Beach and introduced him to white tuna.  Absolutely amazing, a great restaurant and great company.
• Good mexican food - Had a great meal and great fun with Skippy Jr. at Mexico Restaurant.  There was balloon sculpture and really good salsa, so everyone was happy.
• Good chinese food - Eat Rice carry out near my sister's house.  A nice meal with YDS's sister and her family.
• A nice restaurant (of any sort) - Satisfied this jones by drinking with a dear friend at the The Jefferson's recently renovated bar.
• A great Southern breakfast - McLean's with the author of Greg's Alien.  Salt herring and eggs.  Biscuits and gravy.  If it weren't for the fact that we talked for an hour afterward, I wouldn't have been able to move.
• Rain - It rained a lot while we were at Virginia Beach.  Lots of my favorite misty foggy type rain.  Check and checked well.
• Fall - It was late fall, with a lot of leaves already down, but still fall.  Check.
• A good orthoepaedic mattress - Not so much.  My parents have a decent bed in their guest bedroom, but not great.  I still miss my mattress.
• College football on at the right time of day - Oh yeah.  Although Skippy Jr. did not believe it was a good use of my time. 
• A massage - My parents had a therapist all lined up to greet me the first day I was home.  It really helped unkink after the long long trip.
• Sundays as part of the weekend - This was certainly true, but it wasn't a big deal, because I was on vacation the whole time.  Hee hee.
• A sports bar - The aforementioned Champp's where we happened on the replay of the UNC v. Stanford semi final in women's soccer, which I did not know the outcome of, so it was almost as good as watching live.

So there you have it, Dear Reader, an R&R full of checking off the list.  YDS was pretty successful and had a great R&R.

It wasn't even a real fortune cookie ...

A friend of mine got a sort of cyber-fortune cookie.  Remarkably enough it got me thinking and since it was about forgiveness, which is a generally nice thing, and since it is a new year, which is a good time to think about forgiveness, I thought I would share some of those thoughts with you.  I hope the person I shared them with first doesn't mind.  I've edited and organized a little to present to you Dear Reader.

So the cookie (virtual though it may be) says, "To love is to forgive." And I think that's true, but it certainly isn't a complete definition. To love is to do a lot more things than just forgive (one of my favorite definitions is, as hackneyed as it may seem, 1 Corinthians 13). 

What's more interesting about the fortune cookie saying though is something that it implies, by virtue of the definition, but doesn't state.  And the implication is what really got me thinking.  What it implies pretty clearly is that the absence of forgiveness is an absolute indicator of the absence of love.

It has been true in my own experience.  Warning YDS is about to get more personal than he usually does, but this is about forgiveness and it's hard to think about it in the abstract.  That an absence of forgiveness is an absolute indicator of the absence of love was certainly true on my ex's part during our marriage.  She could not forgive my faults in a way that would renew our relationship.  She couldn't forgive me in a loving way and in retrospect that (perhaps more than anything) shows me that she wasn't really in love with me (or couldn't be in love with me).  A deeper question is whether she had that capacity even before we were married.  YDS will not explore that right now.

And even more important (or just as important), that as I healed from the divorce, the absence of real relationship renewing forgiveness was the clearest sign to me that I didn't love her anymore.  I was no longer willing to spend that emotional energy to forgive her completely for what happened during and after our marriage.  I had done it time after time during the marriage and the relationship.  It was sometimes easy, and sometimes hard.  But I had done it, and had the emotional energy to do it, because I loved her.  A person in love will do no less.

Part of it is that there must be two kinds of forgiveness. The first is that everyday "oh, it's okay, no problem, we can still get along" sort of forgiveness. The second is the real, deep seated forgiveness, the kind of forgiveness that is given unconditionally and renews a relationship completely. The first is a social forgiveness.  A heartfelt, if ordinary, forgiveness.  The second is a full forgiveness.  An elightened forgiveness.  A loving kindness fogiveness.  If "to love is to forgive," then that's the sort of forgiveness that they are talking about. I know that what I have for my ex is the first kind of forgiveness and not any sort of the second kind...

I mean, I forgive her even now, in that I don't hold it against her (most of the time).  I try very hard not to be a vengeful person.  I know that harboring ill feelings for another extracts an emotional cost and drains you of your energy.  But the reality is that I don't forgive her to the extent that it means that our relationship is renewed despite what happened. So while I have "forgiveness lite" for her, it's not real forgiveness, and so (I think) it means pretty clearly that I don't love her anymore.

Perhaps a fully enlightened person is able to forgive anyone anything in a completely relationship renewing way.  If so, it is one more sign that YDS is not fully enlightened.  This should come as a suprise to no one.

I think the point might be stronger one way than the other. You can forgive someone without loving them.  Although perhaps that fully enlightened person loves everyone, so forgiveness from that type of person always means that the enlightened person loves the forgiven.  You can absolutely forgive someone with out being "in love" with them. But you can't love someone without being able to forgive them. And you can't be in love with someone you can't forgive.

It becomes really painful when you think you ought to be in love with that person because of your relationship and you aren't. You can't forgive them anymore, you can't go back and completely renew that relationship with them. But you made those promises. You remember the love that you had. You remember that you used to be able to forgive and you want that back. But eventually you are too hurt and the pain that that your husband or wife is causing is too much to forgive. So you shut down, like I did, or you are in pain all the time.
All this begs a really interesing question. Do you have to completely forgive (my "enlightened forgiveness" described above) a former love before you can love again? I don't know. That seems really hard. I've forgiven my ex in the social way, but not in the enlightened way.  What does that mean for my future?  Will I have to find enlightened forgiveness for my ex to love again?  I hope not.  Seems hard.

Too Good Not to Share

Thanks to CNN.com for this donut chart (mmmmm, donuts).  Funny to see the Firesign Theater recognized.  One of my early (very early) comedic influences as well.  A little sloppy to have "Adult Swim" as a single "Influenced."  There have been probably more than thirty separate shows that have been part of Adult Swim since its inception.  Love that The Critic is on the list.  I miss that show.

Life is good.

Harrison Barnes.  Number one recruit in the country.  Makes the only sane decision and signs with Carolina.

Now a prospect is a prospect and some work out and some don't.  So while having this amazing athlete attend my alma mater is a good thing, the more fun thing about this news might be that Coach Rat (Kryshewski or some other such spelling) recruited this kid hard.  Coach Williams only started recruiting him after the Final Four.

And where does he go?  Chapel Hill, baby.  Chapel Hill.

The payback for the Nineties and the early 2000s is on.  And even after two national titles and a 7-2 record over the last nine head-to-head meetings, it looks as though the waters might continue to flow Carolina Blue for a while.

Things that I miss

Your Darn Skippy will soon be headed back to the world (ie. back to the States) for some well earned R&R.  As I look forward to that, I'm trying to think of the things that I miss most about the United States.  A common theme stood out to me, and I wonder if it will to you as well, Dear Reader.

A caveat:  the thing that I miss the most, is not a thing at all.  It is (he is?) my dear sweet son, Skippy, Jr.  I miss him so terribly that I'm not sure that I dare plunge the depth of that emotion.  It is probably better to let that sleeping dog lie, at least until there is some comfort of distance.  So other than Skippy, Jr. here are the things I miss.

1. A well poured pint of Guiness
2. Sushi
3. Good mexican food
4. Good chinese food
5. A nice restaurant (of any sort)
6. A great Southern breakfast
7. Rain
8. Fall
9. A good orthoepaedic mattress
10. College football on at the right time of day
11. A massage
12. Sundays as part of the weekend
13. A sports bar

I guess the common theme only holds through the first four, but it's sort of obvious and it was the same way that I felt about missing the US when I was posted overseas for two years.  One of the absolute best things about the United States is the easy access to ethnic delicacies.  A Guiness, sushi, mexican food.  Ahh. 

Not all at once, of course.  Although Guiness does pair well with sushi.

I can't wait to be home.

Hark the Sound ...

The sweet sound of victory.

Any season where you beat Dook is a pretty good season.  Now let's see about taking care of BC and/or NCState (especially the Wolfies) and we can call it a good season.